29th August 1998
I flipped the pages.
Each page had a cross-section of either a man or a woman. The image would show the body divided in half. One side clothed in pink skin and a dull expression. The other side showed in intricate detail the muscle, the bone, the organs in all their glistening glory. The beautiful joints and tendons, the exposed, delectable eye sockets, the pink gums coating bare teeth. The human anatomy. I fingered the pages, aching for the maroon coloured organs to flow beautifully through the gaps in my small fingers. The warmth of the blood, of what life lingers in the stripped body. I imagined myself alone with such a specimen... and Daddy entered my room at the wrong time. Woopsies.
1st September 1998
Dad took away the books. I needed them for Science revision, but he grabbed them from my hands and put them away, I dont know where. He was sweating, holding his head in his hands, his beautiful black curls slipping through the bony gaps of his thin fingers...he didn't ask me anything, nor was he angry. He simply asked me to leave the books and wash my hands. I had no further use of the books, as I had memorized the contents recently. I heard Dad speak to Mom, her voice was too muffled for me to make sense of, but she spoke in single words; short syllables. Dad wants me to go to the doctor. I hate the doctor, unless he is attractive. I still dislike him, but less enough to let him touch me.
3rd September 1998
I did not go to the doctor, instead, i went to the psychologist. He did not weigh me, place a stethoscope to my chest, or a thermometer in my mouth. He did not have posters depicting the importance of hand hygiene or human body functions. I felt stupid, as only stupid idiots visit such people, "psychologists", thinking someone else can take control of their life when they themselves are unsuitable for the job. We made odd eye contact. I liked his eyes. I liked his eyes, his hair, it was blonde. My favourite...I also like the way he spoke to me. He spoke bullshit. But I liked the way he spoke bullshit. He asked me why I thought I liked such things, to which I replied "what things?" , of course to taunt him. He sat with his legs crossed, his neat hands sitting in his lap, like a lady would sit. He smirked at me and said something to me, at which I smirked back. The appointment was to last an hour. We still had 20 minutes left. It takes me 2 minutes to change my clothes, and 30 seconds to tie my shoes. It took him 50 seconds.
7th September 1998
They had given us new textbooks for science. These new ones contained more words than diagrams, which disinterested me. I browsed the school library, searching for more books, to no avail. The only other books were for the 12th grade exams. I went home empty handed, slightly frustrated, slightly glum. Instead I logged on to my laptop and typed in various words. I found pictures and descriptions for:
I sent these to the psychologist and asked him if the last one was deadly, because it sounded like it to me. What was I saying?
14th September 1998
There is this girl called Sylvia in my class. She is 11 years old and was born in December. I was born in January. She has big blue eyes and black hair and pale skin. She looks wan and weak and cannot participate in sports often. The teachers said Sylvia has "anemia."
She was weedy and pathetic and friendless. I wanted to poke her large, watery eyes out, because they made me angry and I wanted to break her bones and make her cry. She walks in the same direction I do home, so I held her hand as we crossed the street. I held it tightly, bruising her tiny wrist. She squealed lightly, making me feel uneasy and weird. She said thank you. This made me angry, as she looked at me with her eyes. I ran my fingers across her face. She looked like a doll, whose head I wanted to rip off. She went red and asked me if I liked her. I said no, but I wanted to fuck her. She gasped, telling me that thats a really bad word. I asked her if she knew what it meant and she said "it means you want to touch that person in private areas." I told her thats what I intended, and she walked away hastily. After slapping me of course.